Survivor Stories Ep 1: Nafisa’s Story

My story like other’s is a sad reality of life, my life at least, My name is Nafisa Rabiu I come from Niger state, I met Sagir a long time ago in secondary school, I was his senior sisters school daughter as we all attended the same boarding school in Kano,. 

Sagir was two classes ahead of me but we often crossed paths because of his sister Zuwaira. At first we were barely seeing eye to eye because he thought his sister pampered me alot but as we grew older we started getting along and by the time senior Zuwaira was leaving I was in JS3 and Sagir was to take care of me till he graduated. By the time we spent a term together we grew feelings for each other. 

From there we became inseparable, Sagir was a warm,quiet, romantic guy and we had so much in common especially because we all came from a humble, we passed the secondary school phase then university days came and went although we did not attend the same school we always kept in touch. We dated for 6 years and we were happy until Sagir finished school and got a job. We started talking about marriage, making plans for the future when things started going sour. Sagir spoke to his mother as planned and she asked about my background,after which she flat out said he could not marry me, at first it was a tussle just between them but I couldn’t help but notice his lack of enthusiasm when we talked about marriage, I kept on pushing until he finally told me his mum said no. I was devastated, I have never anticipated this happening. I had heard stories about fulani people only marrying within their community but I didn’t pay much attention to the stories. Sagir assured me that he will not relent, he calmed me down and promised we will marry no matter who stands against it. 

These issues dragged on and on for months and somehow it started affecting our relationship,Sagir was slowly pulling away with excuse of work, I became the one doing most of the calling and texting but whenever I reacted he would apologize and return to his normal self. He would always say his family are giving him issues but promises things will look up. 

For over a year things didn’t look up and one day I got a call that caused the greatest shock of my life. a mutual friend called and told me Sagir was getting married in a week’s time. I was shattered!, I had built my whole life around him and had so much faith in us but  he is walking away from it, that day I cried and cried until I fell sick, a week before we had a fight, it was obvious he was looking for something to fight about and he took offense over something he normally wouldn’t and hadn’t called me in days but I had learnt to leave him alone till he comes back on his own, I guess he was not coming back.

 That week was hell for me, if not for my younger sister Halima  I wouldn’t have survived because honestly had so many moments of suicidal thoughts, I remembered when during one of our fights  my mum suggested I just end the relationship when I still had time and started afresh but I have already invested so much in it and I felt I can handle things besides Sagir loved me and was fighting for us. 

I managed to survive till Sagir summoned the courage to call me, he apologized and told me he was forced and he didn’t know how to tell me. The marriage was all over social media, her name was Samira, she was fulani and she came from an influential family. 

I was very angry and I promised to forget him but  I was miserable and kept battling with my emotions for months until we reconnected with him  again. 

People called me all sorts of names “Mara zuciya”, “shashasha”, “kinzo raka Mata duniya”, some in from of me some behind my back but I didn’t care, when I lost him I became lost myself and everything I knew  about the world became a lie and when he came back into my life everything made sense. 

To cut the story short Sagir and I got married exactly a year after his first marriage and although I was sad I wasn’t his only wife I knew I was his only love.It Was a small Walima and kamu event but I was so happy, I started telling people that were telling me nonsense “kun gani ko”, I trusted my instinct and in our love.

 At first lived in separate apartment from his first wife Samira, but after 4 months Sagir vehemently refused to stay with me until I moved into his house” after all this is my house that I built, gidan mijinki”, he made me pack out of the flat and moved in with the uwargida. It was a two flats in a compound and our flats were facing one another. The first thing I notice was she was pragnant, that was my first surprise because he promised over and over he felt nothing for her and there was nothing between them, I was taken aback and when I addressed it he ssid his mother kept on preaching about responsibilities of a muslim husband besides “ina tausayinta”, I let it go.

Next, we went out one day for a condolence visit and she was trying to sit in front and I refuse and told her to sit behind , besides I was the new bride I said, she seemed to want to argue initially but then said “meye duniyan” and sat behind but my husband was upset with me , when we got back I got an earful from Sagir about being fair to her as his wife. I wasn’t happy seeing these things whenever we had an altercation he would support her, I had been hoping this wife was just a title but slowly began to realize I was wrong, in fact I started thinking he purposely toasted her and married her. The worst thing was when they were talking, they would chat and laugh like old friends, this was something I was finding very hard to come to terms with, I started resenting her, the lady I was feeling sorry for, who was married because his mother insisted was becoming a threat to my happiness, she was beautiful, well accomplished architect from a rich background and she was his mother’s choice. 

I started feeling inferior and regretting marrying Sagir, sometimes I would feel so angry and depressed especially when I saw him and her interact. In as much as I try to deny the chemistry between them I couldn’t,what have I done to deserve this I would ask. I was still struggling to find a job  and he didn’t seem to care. Sometimes I can’t even afford to buy credit but my husband will make it a thing to compare me to her. Tell me other women are working hard to support their husbands. I should do the same.

Then when she gave birth there was a big celebration and after 2 weeks of staying at my flat, , Sagir virtually packed and moved to take care of her, in the guise of non of her family members stayed after suna and the caretaker who was from his family was very elderly, he would also insisted I come in every morning to come and see her, the baby and bring breakfast.I had to fight tooth and nail before he let me off the hook and got an extra house help to cook breakfast. 

Slowly the Sagir I knew started becoming someone else right before my eyes, even though I wasn’t helping matters but I tried to stay away from her, that one too was an issue, first because of my mental well being second because sometimes she puts on a show to piss me off, he insisted I needed to be checking up on them, the more I saw this new Sagir the more I wondered if I ever knew him at all. 

I later found out Sagir asked her family not to stay because he would take care of her, he was always calling her parents and greeting them. I was getting frustrated, I would talk and talk about him neglecting me but it only fall to deaf ears, he would only say that I was turning into a nag.

 I looked for ways to bring him back to me, I tried getting pregnant but it didn’t happen, then I tried kayan Mata, I tried romance but nothing worked, he seemed to be always distracted when he is around me, I had a feeling that I was becoming a nuisance to him and this made me even more desperate to hold on to him, I even tried cozying up to my mother in law even tried connecting with his older sister to no avail,I was on my own,then I remembered a secondary school  friend who had a hardworking mallam, I reached out to her, for months we tried all sorts of concoctions to draw my husband back to me, at first it seemed to be working and I was excited, I used everything diligent until my husband called me and said he and his Uwargida were going to Umrah with her family then Dubai for holidays.

 I went barsack, I was beside myself with anger, “how could you do this to me?” “what do you want” “do you even love me?”, I shouted and shouted and cried and then threatened,I gave him an ultimatum, I told him if he left with her then I am packing back to my father’s house, he was silent, I waited for his reply but it never came, he just walked out and two days later he and his wife left for Saudi. 

As promised I packed my bags and left, he came back but didn’t contact me I went into serious depression , during this time I found out Samirs’s father was a influential part of government and Sagir actually went after Samira to get favors from her father, he asked for her hand in marriage and always gave me the false impression that he was forced into the marriage and I was his true love.

 I later heard the house he claimed to build was a gift from his father inlaw, I guess I had nothing to offer him apart from my love and that wasn’t enough for him so he sold his soul for money. Three years down the line I still haven’t been able to trust anyone while Sagir is his flag bearer for this father in laws party. I see stories about him and his perfect family on social media and I pray that someone pays him back in his own coin. 

Thank you for sharing my Story with me.